Wednesday, 19 August 2015

Phobia of Confrontation


I went to grab a coffee on a quick break from work. For a moment I considered not leaving because my work neighbours had surrounded my vehicle with theirs and I was worried about getting my spot when I got back. I told myself that was silly, no one was going to park in my spot. Plus, I wanted that damn coffee. So I left.

When I returned, sure enough the car that was behind me had moved into my spot and a new truck was in place of the old one. Luckily there was still room for me behind the row of cars, but my car butt is sticking out into the lane way. I decided to finally say something to these guys because they keep parking where they aren't supposed to and it is getting on my nerves.

There were some people standing around so I approached them and mentioned that they shouldn't be parking in that spot. They told me that they just noticed the "No Parking" sign and were really nice about it. The guy started to get into his truck to move it, but that wasn't necessary. I tried to explain my situation, but before I could get anything out the guy and his wife started getting really defensive.
I was trying to tell them not to move, but they were starting to get annoyed with me. I know what it looked like to them. In their minds I'm just some crazy lady upset over a parking spot. But that's not how it was!!!

They were just customers, which I didn't realize at first. If I had, I never would have approached them. Because they were just customers, they don't know that this has been an ongoing thing and that I was just finally speaking up for myself.

Yes, I have a problem with confrontation. I also have a problem with people not liking me especially when they have misunderstood something about me.

Wednesday, 12 August 2015

Wins and Slips from the Past Week


Ohhhhkay. Time to get real. It's been one week since I restarted/refocused/remembered my weight loss journey (for the umpteenth time).

There is no weigh in for me this week. Nothing to do with avoiding the scale or not wanting to admit hard truths to myself. It has everything to do with me loving my bed way more than anything else in my life. My weigh in time is the morning. After 15 plus years of being in a relationship with my scale, I know that morning weight is the most honest. Evening weights don't make any sense. So much happens in a day. Especially when you are drinking as much water as you should be. But you know this. Morning is scale time or not at all. And this morning I chose to sleep in until the last possible minute (like most mornings) thus I was in a rush and forgot about weighing in.

It's honestly not that important to me right now. I want to lose weight, yes, but the number on the scale isn't what I am focusing on. Being healthy and living life are priorities. I'm working on getting back into the proper mindset, so I doubt that there was even that much change to begin with. That said, weighing in is to keep me accountable. I will do it tomorrow, I promise.

I've had plenty of successes this past week, but also too many slip ups. It was hard in the first couple of days to start breaking some of my old bad habits. I still haven't fully gotten past them.

Wins

  • Homemade Lunches. 
    • I've been rocking at packing my own lunches. This is such a big deal for me. It is something that I can so easily put off, but it makes a HUGE difference for both my waistline and my budget. This week I am eating potatoes, zucchini, chicken, and carrots for lunch. 
  • Dinner. 
    • It is a struggle to cook dinner when I get home. Big time. Especially when I am tired and friends call wanting to have a sushi date. I have been doing it though. Not every night, but more often than not. I haven't gone out to eat on my own since. Not that I would normally go to a restaurant by myself, but I might pick something up. This is something I have not done. 
  • Ordering Healthy. 
    • Being away for the weekend and having my best friend in town means that I can't avoid restaurants and fast food. I have made the best choices that I could make in these situations. Instead of a giant french toast breakfast, I ordered something smaller and healthier. Instead of a greasy burger, I chose a chicken wrap. Instead of ordering all of the things at sushi, I stuck with smaller portions of healthier options.

Slips

  • Night Eating. 
    • Night eating is the worst. I'm not sure if it is boredom, hunger, or just habit, but I get the major munchies at night. It's best to just go to bed early, but I always feel as if I am cheating myself out of part of my day if I go to bed too early. I get tired and need to eat food to stay awake. Why am I always so tired? Oh yeah, because I am carrying around all of this extra weight! It's a viscous cycle.
  • Life. 
    • It always seems to get in the way. I am not a person who needs to drink a lot. But it seems like that is what my friends want to do. All. The. Damn. Time. I think I did pretty well on our weekend road trip, but it could have been better. I didn't create any difficult goals for myself because I didn't want to blow them and have yet another reason to feel bad about myself or guilty.
  • Exercise.
    • This has not been a strong suit of  mine. My yoga membership is collecting far too much dust for my liking and my fitbit isn't getting the high numbers that I crave. But I am in this for the long haul. I can't expect to fix all of my bad habits in one week.

I have a lot of room for improvement, but I'm trying not to worry about getting it perfect right away. I think this is why I always give up so easily. If everything isn't perfect that I might as well give up, right? Wrong! A little bit better than last week is a lot better than last month and way better than last year. I just have to keep improving myself every week and continue moving forward.

The next few weeks equal some major challenges for me. With one best friend visiting for the past two weeks, and another visiting for the next two weeks, it isn't going to be easy to avoid unhealthy temptations. Plus there are multiple parties, barbecues, beer cruises, and dinners that I have committed to. It's all about moderation. I am allowed to enjoy myself, I just have to remember not to go overboard.

Weigh-in Wednesday!

Tuesday, 11 August 2015

Road Trippin'


Who doesn't love a good road trip?

After work on Friday, my friends and I headed up to Kelowna for a weekend away. I was pretty excited about it, because for once I wasn't going up there alone! My friends have been so busy all summer that I haven't had anyone able to join me on Okanagan adventures. 

I got to ride up with two of my girlfriends, JK and Coco, in Coco's mom's SUV. What a luxury it was to not have to drive. However, we were off to a bit of a rocky start because Coco couldn't figure out how to put the car into drive instead of second. Eventually we figured it out because I have done the exact same thing a million times while driving my mom's car. We also had an issue with the lights later on. Another problem that I have when driving my mom's car. I definitely felt for her, knowing how abnormal these vehicles can be, especially when you are used to driving something much older.

We hit up Taco Del Mar on the way out of town. I think I've maybe eaten there once before, but I don't remember it being as good as it was. It was delicious. I am going to have to be on the look out for more of them because I can definitely see myself eating there again.

Three cars left Vancouver at various times, but somehow we all ended up at our friend's house in Kelowna within about 10 minutes of each other. It was a low key night because half of our group (and the main partiers) were going on an epic 80Km bike trip to another town the next morning. We still had drinks, of course. I only had two, but still felt quite bubbly. Plus, I ended up winning a bed in a show down, so it was a pretty good night for me.

The next morning half of the group dissipated for their trip and the rest of us got ready to convoy to my parents' house. We planned to stop at Starbucks, but there was confusion over which one. Half of us stopped at the first one, and the other half kept going to the next. Ironically once we got back in our cars and passed the second Starbucks, the rest of the group rejoined our convoy. I couldn't get over it. I honestly thought it was the craziest thing that our four cars were able to find each other before we left the city.

View from one of the vineyards. You can almost see my parents' house.
We quickly headed out again after we arrived at my parents' house. This time we were able to condense into just one car. It worked out nicely because that meant we only needed one person to be sober on our winery tour. We stopped at one distillery and two wineries. I ended up buying four bottles of awesome: Coffee vodka, Apricot wine, Cherry wine, and Black currant wine. All four were amazing. I wasn't planning on spending any money, but I couldn't resist when we stopped at my favourite winery: Elephant Island. After our wine tours, we met up with our biking friends for a brief moment.


Dinner was amazing. My dad made salmon and we cooked up a whole slew of veggies. I was impressed with how healthy everything was.


After dinner we drank and had fun. My dad was constantly supplying us with delicious beverages. I ended up introducing everyone to periscope. It was pretty entertaining to film everyone after dinner. Later on a bunch of my friends ended up crashing a wedding that was going on next door. I was way too nervous to join them, but it looked like they had a good time.

The next day we had a bit of an adventure trying to find a place that would serve breakfast to all of us. Eventually we settled on Terry's. I ordered an egg muffin with potatoes and it was amazing. The perfect amount of food: not too much. 

We spend the rest of the day lounging on Bertha, the floating island that we gave our friends last summer for their wedding.

Amazing weekend, and there wasn't much to feel guilt about (food wise). Everything in moderation!

Wednesday, 5 August 2015

Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

I've fallen off the fitness bandwagon and I didn't even notice.

Well, I kind of noticed, but I thought I was getting back on track. I figured I was at least heading in the same direction as the wagon. But now I can see that I was definitely off course.

I weighed in yesterday morning at 236.6! That is high. My highest in a very long time. Over a year at least. And all it took was a couple of months of not paying attention. A couple of months of making excuses. A couple of months of avoiding areas that I should have been focusing on.

I am so frustrated with myself for letting myself fall into back into bad habits. The thing about bad habits is that they are so difficult to break.

Yesterday I was determined to start over. New me! I was trying to get in as many steps as I possibly could while I was at work... which is quite challenging when you have a desk job. I didn't quite make my step goal, but I did better than I normally would have. Which reminds me: if you have a Fit Bit, we should be friends. Feel free to add me here.


I made a couple of videos on Periscope yesterday. I have so many feelings about that app. It's really cool, but it is also very strange. The first video I made was just me talking about how I wanted to restart my weight loss journey. Later on I filmed myself making dinner. I'm not an amazing cook, so I wasn't trying to teach anyone how to do anything. I was just doing it for accountability. Afterwards, I was watching a lady in California do a night time wrap up, and she remembered me! She was asking me a whole bunch of questions and telling me and everyone else who was watching about her journey. It was very surreal. To be able to talk face to text with someone you've never met across the world (okay, she wasn't exactly across the world).

If you persiscope, feel free to add me. I don't think I can link to my profile, but my username is LessofLess, so let's be friends! I want to see what you are up to! I can link to a video I made, so here is one from this morning.


After I made my delicious dinner of steamed veggies and fish, I was good for a little while. But then the hunger took over again. Hunger combined with boredom. I wanted to eat all the things. I ended up walking down to the grocery store and buying some junk. I feel gross even writing that, but I need to be more honest with myself about why I am in this mess.

Nights like last night just can't keep happening. It wasn't the end of the world. Yes, I had way too many calories. Yes, it was for a ridiculously stupid reason. But because I had been on track all day, I didn't go insanely over my goal. But that isn't really the point. The point is that I couldn't control it. The point is that it was more than what I wanted to eat. But it's not the end. I can still keep going and do better today.


Weigh-in Wednesday!

Don't forget to add me on Fit Bit and My Fitness Pal

Friday, 31 July 2015

Five on a Long Weekend Friday

Image via Cult of Style
FIVE
This is the look I have been coveting lately. I need some pink in my hair asap. I am going to have to set something up next month and this will probably be my inspiration picture. I am just so obsessed with colorombres lately. They look so great and are so much fun.

FOUR
I am finally over the whole boy saga that has overtaken my blog this week. Boys are stupid. I know this. It would just be nice if I could find one that wasn't a manwhore. Do they even exist? I am no longer crying/depressed/confused/upset/numb about this mess. I'm just annoyed, but not willing to waste anymore of my time or emotions on two idiots that can't keep it in their pants.

I did end up telling someone about the situation, which helped a lot. I was hurt and needed to talk about it. Screw gay code! It turned out that my BFF had already blabbed about the whole thing to basically all of our friends a couple of weeks ago. Nobody paid any attention to it though because he was wasted and we all thought he was just making shit up. If he can tell an entire pub full of people, I can tell one of my best friends. Done.


THREE
I found this purse at a cute little boutique shop in the small ski town I was living it. It was perfect for me. Especially since the third lady in reminds me of my grandmother. In fact, she was the reason that my family became a ski family. She started skiing with her friends back in the 60s and 70s when people would wear jeans up the chair! From there, skiing took over and became very much a part of our familial identity.

After several moves, this purse fell out of my life. As my parents were packing up and moving out of their old home, they found a box of stuff from one of my moves. I had been searching everywhere for this box. I had given up hope that it would ever be found. Inside was this purse. In mint condition. Nine years old and it looked brand new. However, that didn't last. The first time I took it out, the pleather started falling off around the handles and zipper. It was sad, but I was happy to get one last hurrah with the old gal. Now I am in limbo as to what I should do with it. I am contemplating cutting off the handles and using it as a pencil case, or just cutting out the ladies and framing it.

TWO
Yesterday was a weird day. My work neighbours haven't really been my favourite people lately. They keep parking in my parking spot for one. They constantly leave garbage just floating around in our shared entryway. They also keep flooding the back hallway into my bathroom. The hallway is seriously disgusting. Imagine walking on a moist carpet. I'm sure there is mold growing underneath by now. Yet the haven't bothered to clean it up, despite multiple requests from the landlord.

Clearly they are oblivious to my annoyance because one of them came by yesterday with a fat stack of bills asking me to hold if for the landlord. What? No envelope! Nearly $1500 in cash. Who gives that to a stranger? And yes, I am a stranger. I have only ever spoken to them once, and that was while they were apologizing for flooding my office... again. Strange men indeed!


ONE
Countdown is on until I get up to my parents' house in paradise. It's going to be very chill. Most likely just me and my mom the whole weekend, but I have plenty of books and water toys to fill the days with. I can't wait!


Thursday, 30 July 2015

Winning at Budgeting


Guess who stayed under their budget this month?

THIS GIRL!

Woot! Yeah, I'm excited. I made a plan and I stuck to it.

Successes
  • Brought my lunch to work almost every day.
  • Made iced coffee at home.
  • Took advantage of the get $15 for $10 deal at Starbucks
  • Only spent money at Starbucks that I already had on my card: No auto-reloads for me this month!
  • Only bought breakfast a couple of times, which is also a win for my waistline since I usually am all about the muffins or cheese pretzels in the morning.
  • Cooked dinners whenever I could.
  • Ate leftovers!
  • Quit my ice-cream splurges!
  • Included my investments in my budget... finally!

Minor Falters
  • Treated myself to some new workout pants. I wasn't planning on buying anything this month, but I had been waiting for MONTHS for these pants to go on sale and they finally did, so I snapped up 3 pairs (less than $50 total).
  • I did order a pizza delivery, but it was an extreme case of being hungover. It was worth it.
  • Spent way too much on parking when I went to a free yoga class.
  • Didn't correctly budget the amount of gas I would need for all of my weekend trips.
  • Wasn't able to put down any extra money on my mortgage.
  • Found out that I am NOT going to get any money back from my income tax because I have the worst accountant of all time.

Major Wins
  • Found $450 in a paypal account from a past diet bet. Because of the US$, the account was up $100 CDN compared to when I won the money. 
  • I spent HALF of what I spent in June on food. HALF! 
I'm not rich yet. Far from it. I still have a long way to go. But at least I was able to stay out of the hole (it was getting way too close for comfort). Plus, I still might be able to get money back for all my dental work. Fingers crossed.

Wednesday, 29 July 2015

Boy Drama Update


I'm usually pretty good at sleeping, but I have been having a hard time lately. Exhaustion sets in and I am ready for bed, but as soon as I hit the sheets my mind starts racing. All the things float around in my head and I can't quiet them. Last night I ended up getting out of bed and cleaning my kitchen. The irony is that I have been too tired to clean and organize my life during my waking hours, but I could somehow find the energy when it was time for bed.

So let's do a little update on the mess that is currently my life.

Monday was hard. My BFF was busy all day Sunday, so we didn't get a chance to talk sober about his little revelation. I tried to get together with him on Monday night, but he kept blowing me off. Finally I put my foot down and told him that we needed to talk.


His response: "Why?"


Why!!!! Why??? Why!!! Because someone I thought was interested in me is also interested in my male best friend and I have so many feelings about it and I am not allowed to talk to anyone else about it. That's why!

So I forced him to have a conversation with me, albeit just a phone call. I really wanted it to be in person so that I could have a better chance of figuring out when he was lying to me. It was quickly revealed he didn't really think it was a big deal at all. What he felt bad about was telling me in the first place.


He once again claimed that he had no idea that there was every anything between us. Which I don't buy. My friends and I talk about everything. We always have a way of making the other person reveal things about themselves that they don't want to reveal. In my case, those things are usually about that guy. Hence the reason this whole thing started, since they were able to get me to talk about the picture.


I felt better about things after our conversation. And then I didn't. I wanted to eat everything and starve at the same time. I was a mess.

The next day I sent a message to our mutual BFF about how sad I was that the guy wasn't into me. Obviously that wasn't the whole story. That part was true, but only a small part of what I was feeling. She immediately texted our BFF for a scoop and to call him out for being an ass (about the picture) and I got a nasty message back from him about how I need to keep this to myself and that he regretted telling me.


Every time he tells me how much he regrets revealing everything to me it just sends me to pieces. Even though I know this isn't what he is saying, all I can hear from those words is that I don't matter. That this guy's jackass behaviour is okay because he might maybe sorta be struggling with his sexuality (or he might just be a man whore). Being gay or having the odd experience does not give you a free pass to treat other people like objects.

If my BFF could take it back, like he wishes he could, things would go back to the way they were before. All the flirty texts that I continued to receive from this guy AFTER I found out would have continued to fill my head with rainbows and butterflies and put me in an even more vulnerable position. But apparently that is the preferable alternative.


I get that outing someone before they are ready is wrong. I get that. But what about when that person probably isn't even gay? I am not saying I want to out him. I don't. I just want to be able to talk about this with my friends. I want to tell someone about it who knows the situation. But the only person I am allowed to talk about this with doesn't want to talk about it. Instead I just have to bottle it up inside.