Wednesday, 29 July 2015

Boy Drama Update

I'm usually pretty good at sleeping, but I have been having a hard time lately. Exhaustion sets in and I am ready for bed, but as soon as I hit the sheets my mind starts racing. All the things float around in my head and I can't quiet them. Last night I ended up getting out of bed and cleaning my kitchen. The irony is that I have been too tired to clean and organize my life during my waking hours, but I could somehow find the energy when it was time for bed.

So let's do a little update on the mess that is currently my life.

Monday was hard. My BFF was busy all day Sunday, so we didn't get a chance to talk sober about his little revelation. I tried to get together with him on Monday night, but he kept blowing me off. Finally I put my foot down and told him that we needed to talk.

His response: "Why?"

Why!!!! Why??? Why!!! Because someone I thought was interested in me is also interested in my male best friend and I have so many feelings about it and I am not allowed to talk to anyone else about it. That's why!

So I forced him to have a conversation with me, albeit just a phone call. I really wanted it to be in person so that I could have a better chance of figuring out when he was lying to me. It was quickly revealed he didn't really think it was a big deal at all. What he felt bad about was telling me in the first place.

He once again claimed that he had no idea that there was every anything between us. Which I don't buy. My friends and I talk about everything. We always have a way of making the other person reveal things about themselves that they don't want to reveal. In my case, those things are usually about that guy. Hence the reason this whole thing started, since they were able to get me to talk about the picture.

I felt better about things after our conversation. And then I didn't. I wanted to eat everything and starve at the same time. I was a mess.

The next day I sent a message to our mutual BFF about how sad I was that the guy wasn't into me. Obviously that wasn't the whole story. That part was true, but only a small part of what I was feeling. She immediately texted our BFF for a scoop and to call him out for being an ass (about the picture) and I got a nasty message back from him about how I need to keep this to myself and that he regretted telling me.

Every time he tells me how much he regrets revealing everything to me it just sends me to pieces. Even though I know this isn't what he is saying, all I can hear from those words is that I don't matter. That this guy's jackass behaviour is okay because he might maybe sorta be struggling with his sexuality (or he might just be a man whore). Being gay or having the odd experience does not give you a free pass to treat other people like objects.

If my BFF could take it back, like he wishes he could, things would go back to the way they were before. All the flirty texts that I continued to receive from this guy AFTER I found out would have continued to fill my head with rainbows and butterflies and put me in an even more vulnerable position. But apparently that is the preferable alternative.

I get that outing someone before they are ready is wrong. I get that. But what about when that person probably isn't even gay? I am not saying I want to out him. I don't. I just want to be able to talk about this with my friends. I want to tell someone about it who knows the situation. But the only person I am allowed to talk about this with doesn't want to talk about it. Instead I just have to bottle it up inside.

Monday, 27 July 2015

Guy Advice Needed

The Prologue
I am the friend who remains permanently single. I don't even really know why. I know what my flaws are, but I also know that the positives more than make up for them. I think it's just a mix of low self-confidence and fear mixed in with never meeting anyone new. There always seems to be just one mediocre single guy around and ten amazing single women, so naturally I am left at the back of the herd.

The Backstory
I do have a friend that has been more than flirtatious for the past couple of years, but it never seems to work out between us. Multiple make out sessions and many almosts, but the stars have never been aligned.

We have known each other since elementary school, but were never friends until well after we graduated and our friend groups collided. At first we didn't have anything in common, but over the years we found more and more things that we can relate to. We aren't great friends but we could be. I'm not necessarily worried about ruining the friendship because we have never been very close. All of our closeness has developed around our attraction for each other.

The f-buddy thing has never interested me. I know that he has had these types of relationships before with some of our mutual acquaintances. I don't want to be his next Girl Friday. That's not me. 

Part of why I have been so cautious about anything happening with us is because I don't want it turn into that kind of situation. I've seen him burn girls in the past. Girls who have hoped they could be more than a random call in the middle of the night. I've also seen him in meaningful relationships with wonderful ladies.

Recently he started to come out with me and our friends more often. We were seeing more and more of each other. I've probably seen in him in the past two months than I have in the past two years combined. However, he would usually be sober since he had moved to a different town. All of our previous flirtations have happened when we have both been inebriated since we are both too shy to make the first move. After most of our encounters, sober and otherwise, he would always start flirt texting with me.

Act I
After a very public written declaration in caps about how much he missed me and need more of me in his life, I decided that something needed to happen between us. I didn't care if it was a relationship or just a fun night, but I wanted something to happen. I was getting tired of the constant flirtation leading nowhere.

I made up my mind that I was going to make a move if he didn't (and I was pretty sure he would). I persuaded him to stay in town one night for a friend's birthday. However, before I could put my plan into action I ended up getting a migraine and had to leave early. I could tell he was annoyed that I couldn't stay, but it just wasn't in the cards.

A couple of weeks later, I went out to his neck of the woods with a couple of friends for his birthday. Our usual flirting ensued, but I knew it couldn't go anywhere because my friends and I weren't planning on staying. It was a fun night, but over too soon. That night I ended up getting really sick. I had had a couple of drinks, but not enough to warrant the massive hangover that started as soon as I walked in my door. I also wasn't prepared for the flirty/pervy texts from my friend that started as soon as I got home, complete with an inappropriate picture. I wasn't in the mood for it, but I was flattered.

The next day he apologized for the perviness and the picture. I told him that I am used to it. I know the difference between the drunk version of him and the sober version of him. He told me that he still interested when he is sober, but is just more reserved. More flirt texting ensued.

Act II
On the ride home from an event, my inebriated friends and I were discussing the inappropriate pictures they have received, and I told them about how I had received my first one. They wanted to see and I refused. Eventually they figured out who it was from because they know me, and they know my life. I was so embarrassed that they figured it out. I couldn't believe I had been such a blabbermouth. I also knew that they couldn't be trusted to keep this information to themselves.

My best friend was texting people the entire drive home, and I kept looking over to make sure that none of those people were our mutual friend.

The second I walked in my door, I received a text from the boy. "Your BFF is sending me really drunk messages. Were you guys at the same party?" Obviously I knew the general topic of the texts.

I started freaking out.
What did the messages say exactly?
Why did I have to join in on the conversation?
Why couldn't I just keep my stupid mouth shut?
How much does he justly hate me right now?

Immediately I called the BFF to get to the bottom of this.

The first set of lies included "I was just sending him mad ramblings. Nothing about you I promise"

The second set of lies were slightly more honest. Fake text messages were even read out loud. "Okay, I asked him about the picture, but he just thought it was hilarious. He's not mad, I promise." Which of course resulted in me freaking out about why anyone would think it was okay to tell him about the car conversation.

I felt so betrayed. I knew that I was at fault, but we tell each other everything I tried to justify to myself. I had a feeling it would get out, but I wasn't expecting it to be instantaneous. I was mad, pissed off, and upset.

Finally my friend told me that we needed to have a conversation when we were sober. This was not something that we could talk about drunk. I knew everything that had been said up until that point was a lie, and there was no way I was going to sleep not knowing the truth.

The text conversation was actually about my BFF calling out our friend for sending inappropriate pictures to BOTH of us. And then it was said: "we've been fooling around."

At first it was just once. But then the story changed yet again and it was much more than that. They were friends with benefits and had been on and off for the past couple of years. I was at a loss for words. Suddenly so much made sense. The reason why my friend kept telling me that I was way too good for him and that I could do better.

All those times when I thought something was happening between us, but I would put the breaks on: they went home together.

The night that we made out in a parking lot and he convinced me to spend the night at his place: my friend also insisted on sleeping in the bed with us instead of on the couch.

The night that I was determined to make a move on him but had to go home with a migraine: they went home together.

Big Reveal Before Intermission
The real kicker to the story is that the best friend that I am referring to is... a man.

The BFF insists our mutual friend isn't gay: he's just so horny that he is willing to go home with anyone. HeteroFlexible is what it is called.

I honestly don't know how to feel right now. I have so many emotions going through my head and I can't talk to anyone about this because I was sworn to secrecy. My BFF is devastated that he betrayed our friend... not me. He doesn't seem to care that my feelings have been hurt by this revelation. Why does he want to protect the friend that has been trying to get with two best friends?

My BFF keeps telling me that he didn't know about my flirtation with our friend. He wants to justify his liaison. I don't believe him. How could he not know? Granted, he is incredibly self absorbed, but we have talked about it on my different occasions through the years. He knew about it when our friend spent the night at my place a couple of years ago. He knew how hurt I was when our friend started sleeping with another friend almost immediately after. Yet he still fooled around with him knowing that two of his friends were into/frustrated with this guy.

I am not imagining things. He was there and even joined in on all the times that our friends would tease me about how much our friend liked me. This was after they had started fooling around together, yet he still let me make a fool of myself.

The BFF said he thought our friend was just being "friendly" with me. That one really hurt. So the only guy who has paid the most attention to me in the past... forever, was just being "friendly?" I am pissed at my BFF for justifying it in his mind. If we were just friendly, then my BFF didn't do anything wrong. I am also upset that he cares more about hurting our friend and exposing his secret than he does about lying to me... for years.

Do I even have a right to be upset? Despite the odd make-out session and constant flirtation, nothing has ever happened with us. They are both free men able to love and flirt and have fun with whomever they like. I don't have a problem with that part of the story.

I am frustrated because I have never been the one to make a move/the first move on the friend.  I am confused at to why our friend thought it would be okay to consistently hit on me while fooling around with my best friend. The only thing I can think of is ego. And that hurts because it turns our friendship into something shady. I was just a conquest to him.

I no longer feel guilty about being a blabbermouth. If I hadn't told my friends about the picture, I would still be in the dark. I would still be wondering why things never work out between us. I am also relieved that we never got around to taking things further.

The friend is still flirting with me. He even wants to hang out soon, just the two of us (something we haven't ever done). I am so confused. I want to call him out on his bullshit, but I can't because I might be outing him. This would be so much simpler if my best friend was a woman. Then I could be justifiably upset that the friend was trying to get with both of us.

I have no idea if he is gay or not. It doesn't really matter. Either way his behaviour was shady. In fact, he is still lying. He told my BFF that he never sent that picture and that he hasn't been trying to pick me up. He said that I am a "great girl," but he isn't interested in dating me. Story of my life.

The person I am most upset with is myself. I should have known better than to think that someone might actually be interested in me.

Have you ever been in a similar situation? Any advice for me?

Friday, 24 July 2015

Birthday Weekend

Well, I turned another year older. I'm firmly out of my twenties and am now a thirty-something. I still feel 22 though. I am finally beginning to feel more like an adult. I have adult bills, and adult responsibilities.

My birthday was pretty low key this year. I went to visit my parents (and my sweet dog) at their magical wonderland of a home. Seriously, every time I visit they have added something more awesome. This time it was a Sea Doo. Not that the Sea Doo is new, but it hasn't been on the water for at least three years. It was my grandma's. She never used it, but just had it around for her grandchildren. Pretty cool, right? Anyway, it ended up just staying in storage until last week when it was finally summarized and put on the water.

I left work a couple of hours early on Friday, which was a brilliant idea because it allowed me to feel like I had an extra day in paradise. First thing I did when I arrived was hop on the Sea Doo and go for a ride with my mom. I had to drop her off pretty quickly though because she wouldn't let me go very fast... and I like to go fast. I had forgotten how amazing it is to drive with the wind in your hair. I imagine it is similar to riding a motorcycle, but far less dangerous. My aunt and uncle came over for dinner and we had the most amazing corn on the cob. So delicious. It felt like I had been there all day. The four hour drive was a distant memory.

The next day I woke up before eight am, which is insanely early for me. But my dog had to pee. I had planned on going back to bed after letting her out, but that didn't happen. Instead I hopped on the Sea Doo again and went for a magical ride on a lake that looked and felt like glass.

My parents headed into town to hit up the Farmer's Market, while I waited for a friend, Lee, to pick me up so we could do the same thing. My family didn't want to wait 1/2 hour so we could all go together. It can get pretty busy, so I understood. Main Street shuts down for the morning and all different kinds of venders and entertainers swoop in and set up shop. It varies each week as to how long it is, but it is usually minimum four blocks long.

We strolled into town at 9:30 and luckily found parking right away. I figured it would be impossible to find my family in the chaos that is the market, but we ended up seeing them as soon as they wandered into the market. They were at a booth doing shots of vodka. It was 9:30 in the morning and they were already lit up (accidentally). They had already hit most of the wineries in the market. Last year the wineries had their own block, so it was really easy to get drunk if you spent a bit of time in the section. They tried to spread the wineries out this year, but they were all still pretty much in the same block, just on the opposite end of the market.

After the market, we spent the rest of day hanging out on the beach. We floated, we seadooed, we boated, and we tubed. Tubing is a terrifying activity. Especially when my dad is driving over choppy water. He likes to make sure you get out of the wake, which always ends in a crash-bam-splat on the water. Apparently I make ridiculous faces while I tube, but look graceful during my falls. We had another delicious dinner, complete with ice-cream cake. Never too old for ice-cream cake.

The next day was my actual birthday and it was more of the same. More food. More drinks. More water adventures. More family. There was even a double rainbow! It actually went all the way around, but I only caught a picture of the first half. I ended up staying another night at my parents' house. I was too tired/having too much fun to drive home. I had to wake up at five am the next morning to get to work on time, but it was worth it.

Tuesday, 21 July 2015

Dream: Wedding in a Warehouse

I woke up this morning after having one of the most detailed and cohesive dreams that I have ever had. I'm going to share it with you because I feel like it needs to be preserved.

It was typical a typical Sunday for me and my friends. We were wandering around the city looking for a place to brunch, when my friend Sarah suggested we try a new place that she had heard of. 

Instead of leading us to a happening new brunch spot, she took us to an old warehouse that had been completely pintrestified. There were fairy lights everywhere. Exposed brick. White decor. The setting was gorgeous, but this was not a restaurant. We quickly realized that we had walked into a surprise wedding.

It turned out that Sarah had actually acted as wedding planner for the wedding of three of her friends. Yes, you read that right, three of her friends. It was a tripod wedding. The brides both wore simple, above the knee dresses. One was white lace and the other was black with small neon coloured flowers. The groom was the quintessential hipster in a grey suit with suspenders and a bow-tie. 

The ceremony was really quite lovely, although my friends and I felt a bit awkward since we didn't know the group getting married. 

After the ceremony, a bunch of hungover guys who had partied too hard the night before and crashed in the "abandoned" warehouse started to wake up. They realized what was going on (the tripod wedding) and were not impressed. They would not stand for three people being married. So naturally a 'West Side Story' style dance fight ensued.

All of the wedding attendees got in on the dance fight. One hundred people doing elaborate choreography inside of a beautifully decorated warehouse. It was magical. It turned out that the wedding group had expected that something like this might happen so they had brilliantly rehearsed the choreography for the dance fight. I'm not sure how all of the guests learned the choreography since the wedding was supposedly a surprise for all invited. 

I was the only one who didn't know the choreography. I watched in awe at the movements of the group, ran all over the warehouse to try and get out of the way, and eventually tried pathetically to join in.

Of course the wedding group and guests triumphed over the wedding crashers and the reception continued. There was a scrabble set up where I played on a team with one of the brides.

And that was that. Dream over. What made this dream so unique was the cohesive story that had a beginning, middle, and end. I don't know about you, but rarely do my dreams have endings. They also aren't so easily describable.

Thursday, 16 July 2015

The Budgeting Game

Budgeting my money is pretty simple. It's staying within that budget that is hard. Especially during the summer.

The last few months have been particularly problematic for me. I have been trying to save, save, save, but still end up with a negative cash flow. I've had a three months in a row of at least $500 in unexpected expenses per month. Okay, I was expecting the property taxes, but they were even more painful after I had to shell out for dental work and a new phone after mine was stolen. I was still able to keep the first couple of months in the green, but then finally it all caught up with me. I use the app and I get really upset when I see that my month has turned red. I need it to be green, okay people!

It wasn't until last year that I really started to feel like an adult. A year and a half ago I only had to worry about my $500/month rent bill that included EVERYTHING and my (overpriced) cell phone bill. That was it. It was easy to spend money without thinking about it and still have a savings. It's another story these days. I have gotten my cell bill down to a much more reasonable amount ($50 instead of $80), but now I have a million other expenses to worry about.

Part of the problem was that I forgot to factor in my investments into my budget. Because the money is just being transferred into different accounts and not really leaving my bank account, the transactions were missed on my budgets. So I kept thinking I had more room in my budget than I actually had.

How much do people spend on food every month? Most of my money goes towards food. I don't even want to tell you how much that is because it's pretty embarrassing. I eat out a lot.
But the thing is, even when I am not eating out a lot, I am still spending the same amount of money. Whenever I decide to buckle down to concentrate on eating right instead of eating out, my food budget still ends up being about the same.

Vegetables are expensive.
Eating healthy is expensive.
Eating unhealthy is also expensive.

Right now I'm trying to eat up the contents of my kitchen. I've kind of turned it into a game. How long can I go without buying anymore food? I'm on day 4 so far. You are probably rolling your eyes right now (as you should be).

Actually I didn't even really make it 4 days. I went to Starbucks this morning. BUT I used my Starbucks card which already has money on it. So I've already spent that money on Starbucks, I just have to use it up. Okay, Okay, technically I did put money on my Starbucks card yesterday. BUT it was for a good reason. I recently discovered that I get a coupon through my cell phone company for Starbucks. Every two weeks I can buy a $15 gift card for $10. So if I don't use buy the gift card, it's like I'm throwing away money. Since I have discovered this trick, I have challenged myself to not spend more than the $30 (but really only $20) that I get with the coupons. Sure that's a lot of some people. But this is me. And my card auto reloads at least once a month and sometimes twice. I'm not gonna give myself a hard time on this one. Since I know I am already improving in this department.

Oh the latte factor. Something my mother mentions every time I have one. Which is probably why I enjoy them so much. Tiny rebellions.

My lunches this week have been so good. Same thing every day, but it's a damn good same thing. Chicken, yams, and carrots. Mmm chicken. Dinners are harder. I am so hungry by the time I get home from work that I can't think properly and have no idea what to make. Because I'm not shopping right now, I seem to be out of the other half of every meal.

I'm starting to get really excited about not spending money. I get that shopaholic high from staying at home and keeping my wallet closed. Hopefully I can make this feeling last

I have mad respect for anyone out there who is supporting another person (or more) on a single income. It's hard out there.

Wednesday, 8 July 2015

Smokey Dayz

My city has it's own sepia filter over everything. No iPhone required!

When I arrived home on Sunday night from my own personal paradise, I was greeted with a never ending cloud of smoke. I had heard about it on the radio, and seen images of it on the internet, but I wasn't quite prepared for what it would feel like to actually be in the middle of the smoke.

It wasn't until I opened my car door inside my underground parking lot, that I realized the extent of what was happening. I wasn't even outside and it felt like I was standing a couple of feet away from a campfire.

Several forest fires are contributing to the smoke taking over the city, although the main culprit is the enormous Elaho Fire that is just outside the town of Pemberton. It's crazy to think that so much smoke is coming from so far away (Pemberton is about a 3 hour drive). It's even starting to reach as far at the Okanagan.

The environment can be a terrifying thing. It's only the beginning of summer, yet we have already reached Defcon conditions. I'm not surprised. This year has been one of the hottest and driest years that I can recall. We had a tiny bit of snow in November and that was the extent of our winter. Not that the lack of snow is that unusual in this part of Canada. But the lack of rain was pretty alarming.

It's hard to complain about more sunny and gorgeous days than not, but they come at a cost. We need the rain. It's what makes Vancouver beautiful. It protects us.

Thankfully, the smoke has started to dissipate. I no longer feel like I am living in an Instagram filter.

Monday, 6 July 2015

Canada Day Week

Canada Day fell on a Wednesday this year. A Wednesday! So I did what I had to do and took an extra two days off so that I could still get a long weekend in. Can't complain about an extra extra long weekend.

After work on Tuesday, I headed straight up to Summerland. I made it in exactly 3.5 hours. And that's leaving during rush hour! The road was surprisingly empty. That's what happens when you throw a holiday in on a Wednesday.

Without fail, every time that I start to come down the hill into Peachland a smile erupts across my face. Finally being able to see the prolific lake gets me so excited. It's so beautiful, and it means that I am only 20 minutes from home.

It was only 8:30pm when I arrived so there was still a bit of sunlight to get to enjoy. My dad and I were able to have a quick dip in the lake.

My parents' house is gorgeous. They have finally finished remodelling it and just moved in permanently. It will never be finished in their eyes though. There were countless projects that they were working on while I was there. Sometimes they were planned and sometimes it was just a quick idea that my dad had that ended up taking up the afternoon.

This is one of the projects that we worked on. We attached posts underneath the dock so that we could rest our canoe and paddle boards on them instead of dragging them across the beach to put them away. At least this project allowed us to work in the water.
It ended up just being me and my parents for Canada Day. My mom and I spent the day cleaning up her rental property, so we were pretty tired once it was came time to celebrate. We took the boat out for a couple of hours to watch the firework show. My mom brought out giant sparklers that we set off while we were waiting.

I was lucky enough to get to go to my favourite restaurant twice over the week. Once for brunch with my bestie. And again for dinner for my aunt and uncle's anniversary. The food is always good, but not necessarily my favourite. The big draw of the restaurant is that it is actually on stilts above the lake so almost every seat has an incredible view.

Summerland was amazing. I was sad to go, but I will be back again soon. Very very soon.